i don't post on here unless something unusual comes to mind that i feel the need to keep track of for later reference. i am having one of those events right now.

i am getting the urge to leave minnesota. or at least northfield. for good.

i love love love love northfield. but i feel like i love it too much. it's actually holding me back. while i can see myself working various jobs around town and paying cheap rent or (knock on wood) living with my parents. i love it so much that i am willing to push aside small opportunities in minneapolis just to be in a place where i am comfortable. i love the repetition of waking up, going downtown, finding some coffee, finding some friends and going to the cow.

but at the same time i feel how much i am neglecting all my possible futures in minneapolis (or even somewhere else). had i been trying every weekend to further my interests in art and youth studies and radio this past year while in minneapolis (instead of going to northfield), i might already have some secure in my future. i keep banking on this "youthwork internship class" to get me somewhere, but i could have been doing this on my own for a long time.

i think something else that is frustrating, is that my life would pretty much be settled, my fate decided if i chose to stay in northfield. i would take care of my sister everyday, probably work at the glass garden again, probably end up working at the key again too, and probably living with other friends that are just as drawn to northfield as i am. what's worse is this future is carefully coming to fruition as i have started to train through laura baker to take care of my sister. it's almost like this little innocent task has begun to take over my fridays and weekends with the promise of big bucks.

but. another thing that has made me long to get out of northfield is something i respect. often times, i see high school kids say that they can't wait to get out of this town and become destructive and pessimistic about their future. i have never felt like this. i think this is just a freaky way of trying to make myself grow up. i want to push myself out of northfield, heck, out of minnesota, just to see if i can learn something, become even more self-reliant. i have yet to apply for a decent, paying job, or even a "typical" job like retail or food service. even if i wanted one of those as a fall-back option, i probably couldn't even get a job as a waitress at a decent restaurant despite working somewhere at least part-time since i was 15.

as a long term goal (/pipedream), i see finishing school, staying in minneapolis having recently acquired a nice day-time job, working through the rest of my lease, moving somewhere else cheaper to continue to pay off loans, whether that be somewhere else in minneapolis or iowa. as a short term goal, i see more of a finish college, desperately scramble for work while continuing to forever make back-and-forth trips between northfield and minneapolis so i can pay for where i am living.

maybe the world will end in 2012 and this won't even matter. good thing i am graduating early, otherwise i would only have a few short months to enjoy my degree... hah.

I'm also an atheist, don't know if you knew that, and I really do believe that nothing happens when you die. But me and Gus (another atheist) were talking about "it" one day and thought really hard about what this heaven idea could mean. There's the "light at the end of the tunnel" death experience that people wake up and talk about after being brought back, and all kinds of mumbo-jumbo that they thing is some religious spiritual thing. But who's saying they're wrong? 

Gus and I applied the concept of dreams to death. In a dream, you experience many hours, days or more of time, when really it's only upwards of twenty minutes in that state. Gus and I decided that maybe in those last few minutes of consciousness there may be some kind of "dream-like" state that we enter into that seems to last much longer than it really does. 

That is to say, we have a really quick dream (or :( nightmare) before we die, and as we fade into non-existence the dream kind of goes with it. Not that it continues into death, but rather it stops when we die, just in more of a "fade-to-black" kind of way.

Neurons, man. That's all it is.

just called to say, just called to say i'll love you for the rest of my life. it's cold in space, so won't you stay?

so take aim, children, take aim the drill sergeant said. and with ample perspiration ordered stop your respiration and end the flow of oxygen to the brain.

i really need to prioritize between friends, REAL friends, the key, and school. rough.

going to see andrew bird this week. just can't get away from him.

there's going to be a snowstorm tues and wed. 5-8 inches. 30 mph winds. not fun. hope my lone class on wed is canceled. maybe i just won't go anyway.

i've already suffered i want you to know that i'm riding on hell's hot flames coming up from below.

i'm really digging new friends. there aren't A LOT, but there are some GOOD ones.

can't wait for break. i need one so much. and i need so much money.

christmas cookies.

not really looking forward to seeing all of my old class back in northfield. i go back to nfld a lot and they're never there. why do they have to linger now?

next semester is going to be beautiful. printmaking, figure drawing, art history, intro to film studies, and non-verbal communication. tiiiiiight.

gotta finish all of my coffee grounds before the semester ends.

my friends, most of them, will probably become famous. and i look forward to that.

i have accepted (a long time ago even) that i will be one of those people that gets a job they like, not a salary they like.

also forgot that i like to cook and bake. i could do that for a living.

i just hope i don't regret having gotten a degree when i end up getting $12 an hour for something i didn't need a degree for.

lefty he can't sing the blues, all day long like he used to do. the dust that pancho bit down south ended up in lefty's mouth.

andrew bird is on his way out of my life. this is the final hurrah i think.

so this is what i think about: i got a ticket to my first ever andrew bird show. it's in a cathedral. and it's divided into two general admission sections (one is slightly more expensive, so you get to sit in the section closer to the man), and for the first night, i fully intend to sit at the front of the front. i will wait in line from after my last class until the opening of doors. and i will sit and pretend that andrew bird is playing to me. and i'm the only one there. it will be about me.

bad thing: the second night he's playing, it's the same sort of style, same place, only i can't find any tickets for the front section. i doubt they're sold out, but you never know.

i am tempted to: maybe i'll buy a ticket for the "worse" section. i can watch andrew bird with all of these people and it might be a beautiful thing.

then again: i could get that AWFUL PISSED OFF feeling that i get in my chest when things aren't good. maybe some 7 foot tall man will decide to sit right in front of me. maybe i'll be in an awkward middle seat where i'm surrounded by one hundred people all wanting to see andrew bird, taking pictures and being annoying.

maybe: maybe. andrew bird will become my friend between the two shows. and then i can just sit in the aisle and watch for free the second night, and then we'll go get tea.

maybe.

i wish that people wanted to read things that i have to say.

i also wish that i had more to say than andrew bird stuff.

as a long awaited continuation from my only other summer post...

I got all of my WWOOFing supplies a while ago. I've decided that I am staying in the US. I realized that if I go to a foreign country (which would be my first time) I'm going to want to be leisurely and enjoy myself. Not be sweaty 60% of the time, and tired 40%. So, I've decided to stay in the US, but rather go to a section of the US that I haven't been to before (probably somewhere in the Northeast) or somewhere that I really want to go to again (west coast, seriously, any of those three states). Also, Danl wants to come with. That would be so awesome.
I hope he follows though. Or someone does. I might not get it done if I'm left to my own devices. If I can get someone else that is just excited as I am, planning would actually happen.
At least that's what I'm thinking right now.

This is also my plan for weaning myself off of the Key.

That place will VERY soon no longer be for me, but I would like to stay a comfortable distance from it. I don't want to leave it for ten years and come back to find someplace that I don't even know. I will keep in touch, but the Key isn't doing anything good for me anymore. I just sit around there. Not very productive.

Uh yeah...

Sidenote: A. Bird got home LITERALLY last week (not being a creeper, all of his band mates are home in mn, and the tour is over... one can assume), so, maybe he got my letter? I will wait a week or so, and if no letter, then I will forget about it entirely so I won't be disappointed if he never does, but REALLY excited if he does.

RIGHT NOW: Going to Cafe Maude to ogle Jeremy Ylvisaker and, I guess, see Mike Lewis and (???) JT Bates (???) play some ambient Jazz.

EXTRA EXTRA THAT I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT: I am DONE with work until December!!!!! bad news: I don't get paid until December...

I hardly talk on here anymore.
But there are recent (as in, from the last few months) thoughts"

- It is HOT outside.

- Everything is beautiful. And as awful as my Concepts in visual arts class was, it only fueled my love of all things beautiful (beautiful, in this case, being everything that isn't a brand new car, which can even sometimes be beautiful to me... but not often). Otherwise, I literally can walk down the street, and if I so wished, begin to cry at all of the beautiful things. Visually that is. Like telephone wires crossing the sky. Or tall grass. Gutters. Dead trees. I love everything basically.

- I love Andrew Bird. A lot. And hopefully when I get back on here (in a few months, probably) I will no longer be as obsessed with him. I've noticed that my obsessions flicker on and off, and most of them don't ever come back. The White Stripes have been the main constant in my life. Basically this, I feel like I get boring when I become obsessed with something (usually someone) and everything just fluctuates. I'm probably more interesting when I'm really into gardening and helping out at the Key or something, but when I'm in a phase where I talk about one person in every other sentence, I feel as though I'm just really lame and people only hang out with me because I tag along for things. I hang out with Madelyn a lot (which could be a separate point in this list because it's A LOT) and I'm sure she has heard me mention Andrew Bird 3 times a day since right before school ended. I wish that he could have a big part of my life, without being this figure of adoration. Maybe I should just be friends with him or something. It's worked before...

- But I guess, since I'm on that subject, I am writing a letter to Andrew Bird. Maybe this is the ticket to getting over my obsession. The thing is, these are the outcomes and accompanying probabilities (CUE SUB-LIST):

2% Possibilitiy number 1 - He gets the letter, is infuriated that I stalked him at his private
home address and writes an angry letter back.
9% Possibility number 2 - He does the same as above, only doesn't write anything back.
9% Possibility number 3 - He sends a generic response (or his manager does), leaving most of
my questions unanswered.
1% Possibility number 4 - He send a beautiful, well-thought out reply, and invites me over for tea.
79% Possibility number 5 - He doesn't get the letter/reply.

The odds are not in my favor. But they are pretty awesome questions. So we'll see.

- It's summer. By the way. I've been working. I've been playing. It's been nice. I miss structure and not doing last-second things, but it's been nice having considerably fewer things expected of me.

- I wish that I could just skip to having a license, passport, and a bunch of free money (mostly the first two, since they are more probable).

- I am going to California in July. I will see, in my travels, Amanda Cook, Mary Vickerman and Lisa Larkin. Twill be grand.

- My throat hurts. For future reference, Marie: don't EVER burn incense when you are in allergy season/sick/just getting over sickness.

- Oh AND, I WILL improve my bowling games by the end of this summer. I swear it. I've been doing dollar bowling at JJL, and I think, that I can only improve.....

BYE

old gregg things:

_ fishing lures variety pack
X shiny jacket
X leggings
_ white boots
_ bottle of baileys
_ black shirt
_ white tie
_ seaweed hair
X face paint
_ gloves (white?)
_ tutu (pink)

the rest, relatively easy to find. BRING IT HALLOWEEN.

House Built for Two


The years
Have been turning on
You left me at home
To carve my own stone
I cried
Picking up pride
Oh, granite won't lie
We all got along

Well it's true
I built this for you
A house fit for two
Is too small for you

Our son
Is losing his mind
The drugs that hides
You can see in his veins
The steps
He's needing to take
His back it might break
We both need you here

It's true
I built this for you
A house fit for two
Is too small for you
It's a shame
I leave you to blame
For changing your name
And left him insane

Return
Like a prodigal sheep
It's cold in the keep
But I have you here
I work hard
Then watch some TV
You're staring at me
What are you doing there

GET UP
LAY DOWN YOUR CROWN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW
SAY I'M TIRED AS HELL
YEAH I'M BROKE
AIN'T HAVE AS MUCH AS YOU
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH
I STILL AM YOUR MAN

It's true
I built this for you
A house fit for two
Is too small for you
It's a shame
I leave you to blame
For changing your name
And left me insane

words
on the tip of you tongue
like I song I once sung
then you threw it away
that tune
old melody
had hope in it's ring
those years never came


Official Executive Board of Marie Decision: Junior year has been called off. I'm going to the farm.

So I've been wanting to WWOOF for quite some time now. In short, if you don't want to click the link, it's a cool, trustworthy program that sends volunteers all over the world to help families with organic farming, in exchange for a place to stay, good food, and whatever cool activities the families plan.

I told my mom about it twice. First time she didn't say 'no', but she said something like 'blah blah blah school blah blah first.' When I asked her about it sometime over Christmas (I think) she looked at me while I told her about it and where I wanted to go, she just replied 'then do it.' I was a little shocked, that is very unlike my mother. But I guess she doesn't really care what I do as long as I am doing what I want and feel is right? I'm an adult now? What?

Thing is, my thought right now is to go through my sophomore year, and then leave the next summer. This is pretty much because I've only JUST made some really good friends, and I'm really excited for next year. But then why not just go all four years? I'm enjoying myself, I don't feel like I'm suffocating in my surroundings, I don't need a huge change of scenery or direction, so what in the world would make me go next year and totally interrupt this educational flow I have going?! I have no idea.


And my thought about going after this year is that I might realize that I totally want to abandon the U or (gasp) school altogether! Maybe I'll get the heck outta the U, go to DCTC or some community college in the city (WHO KNOWS maybe not even IN Minneapolis!!) or drop out completely and decide to buy some land in New Zealand next to my WWOOF farm and become a citizen and never come back!

Or maybe, I will stay at the U... and dream for a few more years...and take floral design...

What if, I finish the four years of school, and get so panicked about paying back loans and such that I never do ANYTHING with my life. One of my older friends has been out of school for YEARS and is still paying and doesn't do anything REALLY cool (like WWOOFing) because she doesn't have any time or money. THIS may happen to me. I mean, I won't be making any money while I WWOOF, presumably, so there's no way to pay for anything or get any money while I'm away. All of the sudden, Welcome back to the US, BAM, pay for things!!!! NOW.

But this is probably irrational? Maybe not totally. I don't know, I'm new at this adult thing, and I think it should be revisited next year?

It just sends me into miniature panic attacks when I think about not being able to go soon enough. I really really really want to go.

Seriously how do people take a year off of school? Someone should tell me what that's like.

i am bored.

or rather, i just don't want to sleep.
people are being loud outside my room while inside, greta is sleepy beepy.

i'll go to bed soon.

in the meantime. qq. did i overload myself for this semester? i definitely just took classes because they were required in some way and because people liked the profs. they ALSO warned me (about EVERY class) that there's a lot of work involved. it has only been one week and its already starting to show through. let's hope i didn't get myself in too much trouble. i can't drop anything because then i'm at the minimus credit level and would feel like a total bum. actually, the minimum is 12 credits, but you pay for each one up to 13, and anything after is free... so 17 sounds awesome y/y/? three free creds? prefect.

don't get me wrong, they are ALL proving to be awesome classes (LITTLE cautious of concepts in visual art, but if i can prove myself in the class, things'll be great), it's just that i generally am not so good at the whole, homework thing.

heh.

loving everything else at school though. i love exploring and meeting new things. i have almost entirely female friends at school, which is a new thing for me, but it is turning out to be way cooler than i thought. i would like more guys in my life, and as of right now, my greatest male friends at school are either accounting majors/hardcore republicans, or gay... except for maybe like, 3 of them?

no complaints though. just lots o' homework, and less males than i'm used to.

buhbye